Why do I write if it intimidates me?

Writing conjures up many emotions for me.
It excites me, interests me and completely intimidates me.

Thinking about why I write (and that could be a blog, a letter, an article, or a tweet) comes from a variety of places. My want to learn, my want to understand, my want to engage with other people, my want to have other people engage with me. But a lot of the time I write because I want to overcome what intimidates me.

I am a 24 year old woman who works hard, volunteers, studies, spends countless hours reading, both fiction and non-fiction and I am always looking to develop myself and achieve.

How can this be done without overcoming what intimidates me?

If I was to compartmentalise my life I think every part of it would be impacted by intimidation, and mostly intimidation instigated personally.

Is this a bad thing? Or is it something that is driving me to better myself, to achieve what I am looking for?

In my personal life  I often find myself succumbing to this feeling and from there I often lose my confidence and take on the role of the “YES” person. Or, more to the point the “I really don’t mind” person. (When in actual fact I do know what I want to do. And I also know that the idea put on the table is not the right idea!)

In my professional life I am often more driven and I own my ideas, knowledge and place. I allow myself to submit to few of my own insecurities.

I had a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday who was talking about the five main emotions; Fear, Love, Sadness, Surprise and Joy.

There are many different theories on the basic emotions (Google search link here) but the conversation we had was around the emotional space you occupy.

She occupies quite a positive space.

I think occupy quite a broad space, covering many of the five, but I move between the spaces often. Moving from a place of Joy to Fear (personal intimidation) easily and often co-inhabiting.

So, on my continued journey of self-discovery and development, I have worked out a way to ground me within the five emotions. To bring me away from intimidation (Fear) space and back into the Joy/Love space.

Writing.

When I started writing this blog, I was angry. Truthfully for no apparent reason, just because I was. I have been off all day and now I feel calm. And I am calm because I have written.

In my professional life I am constantly writing. Post It’s, emails, letters.

In my personal life, in social situations, all I write are text messages. I don’t even tweet. (An outlet I find myself using for a quick fix when I need to express something).

So it’s something that scares me, really pushes me, is the thing that can bring me back to a centred place quicker than anything.

The idea of being intimidated by words you have written is silly really. If you don’t like them, or aren’t happy with them, then don’t release them into the world, surely?

Is the idea of something having such control over me what is scary? Or is it that I am just the world’s harshest critic of myself?

Before I ever had an inclination that I would enjoy writing I would read. Books upon books upon books. Totally and utter escapism. I used to read more than one book at a time, eager to be able to shift between different worlds. I remember being around the age of ten and having eight different books on the go at once. None of my friends really got it but it just shows that I was never going to be the sort of person who was happy doing just one thing. (Which would explain why I now have a full-time job, I’m about to study, I’m part of research project, I do freelance writing on the side, I’m doing a trainee Board Directorship and I just joined a netball team)

I like knowing that no matter what, I can always come back to one thing to ground me. Something that is not controlled by my friends, or my family or my colleagues or the weather or anything else.

So I write because it scares me and I love it because know matter what happens, writing simply just is.

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